Why are we SO obsessed with Jennifer Aniston having a baby?
Jennifer Aniston may look happy - she cracks a lot of smiles on those luxury Mexico holidays with her good friends, or on the red carpet for her Hollywood films with her funny, clever boyfriend.
She kind of radiates health and joy too, but that’s clearly just the after-effects of a Hollywood facial, because she hasn’t had a baby - so obviously she can’t actually be happy.
Forget her Emmys, forget her Screen Actors’ Guild Awards - even forget the fact she has helped millions of women clarify their argument to the muttered excuse of ‘we were on a break’.
Because if we believe the female narrative of celebrity magazines, all of these achievements are incidental; something to pass the time until she gets pregnant; an alternative to a yoga class, say, or having a kale smoothie with Courteney Cox.
In magazine cover world, Jen has been consistently pregnant for around eight years
Recently, the Jennifer Aniston baby police have increased the pressure - presumably they’re panicking that Jen, now 44, may never get pregnant, and the world then would clearly combust.
There’s been more headlines; more zoomed in pictures of her mid region, all concluding this week in this woman - this slim, healthy woman - going on TV to explain to us how she has dared to put on ‘a couple of pounds’.
I didn’t see Matt Le Blanc sitting down on a chat show to explain why he no longer has Joey Tribbiani’s jet black hair and six pack. I also have no idea if Matt - two years older than Jen - has children. For men, that’s not a necessary tick on a success checklist.
Meanwhile in magazine cover world, Jen has been consistently pregnant for around eight years, making it clear that when it comes to her baby plans, we have less information than we have on MI6.
I have no idea if Matt le Blanc - two years older than Jen - has children. For men, that’s not a necessary tick on a success checklist
Here's what I hope hasn’t happened for Jen: I hope she hasn’t had fertility issues; getting upsetting news from doctors, then walking past a newsstand to see ‘Mom at last!’ next to her smiling face on the way home. Because Hollywood actress or not; famous or not, I fear what that would do to a person.
What I would love to be going on is that she and Justin are planning for the future - whatever shape that might take - and the speculation causes her no upset, as this isn’t an issue for her.
I also hope that when they see these magazines, they fall about laughing. And I hope they do it not over a kale smoothie, but over a big meaty burger, knowing that the shot of a post-lunch bloat will be fodder for next week's ridiculous covers, and not caring, because woah - they were some really good chips.