Why the male cleavage is just wrong

There is only one thing standing between me, Ryan Gosling and eternal happiness: his cleavage.

Recent shots of Ryan at New Orleans’ airport show him wearing a low-cut V-neck T-shirt that shows off his buff pumped pecs and he's wearing a chain that actually (and all women will know how this works) drew our eyes and attention to his buff pumped pecs!

Sure, it’s great to have somewhere to store your pens, but, Ryan, no! The male cleavage - or ‘heavage’, as I believe it is called - is 50 Shades of Wrong.

A man with his cleavage out is revealing a little too much of himself

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying a sculpted muscular chest isn’t incredibly delicious - I’m sure I haven’t been the only person longingly stroking their TV screen during the Olympics - but I want to see that in the bedroom — not in a slashed-to-the-waist​ top. It seems too vain. Too try-hard. Way too important to the man. And that just isn’t sexy.

A man with his cleavage out (even reading that feels wrong, doesn’t it?) is revealing a little too much of himself — physically and personally. He’s a bit ‘Hey, baby! Look what I’ve got!’ And that’s just naff. Yes, be proud of your amazing physique, but be subtle about it. 

This ‘issue’ with the heavage isn’t a jealousy one (although there is something galling about a man filling a vest top better than you) — it’s about our traditional roles.

Women like men who make the effort to look good but who don’t look like they’ve made the effort to look good. We want to stroke your lovely soft cheeks; but don’t really want to discuss the pros and cons of certain moisturisers with you. It’s not fair, no, but that’s how it is. Call it our revenge for Spanx.

This ‘issue’ with the heavage isn’t a jealousy one (although there is something galling about a man filling a vest top better than you) — it’s about our traditional roles. As I said, please make yourselves look gorgeous, men, but don’t be the high maintenance one in the couple. No woman wants to lie in bed, look down at smooth Immac-ed legs, and realise they’re her bloke’s. Life is complicated enough.

Bibi Lynch is a columnist, writer and broadcaster (for many publications/station​s, including: The Guardian, Grazia and BBC London radio). Londoner. Short. One of the Huffington Post's 'Funniest Women on Twitter'.