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‘The difference between a barbarian and a modern is that the latter is expected to behave in what we call a civilised manner’, says Barbara Cartland in the opening pages of her Etiquette Handbook – A Guide to Good Behaviour from the Boudoir to the Boardroom.
Written in the 1960s, but actually referring to a much earlier period when Queen Elizabeth was a mere slip of a girl, the book aims to tell all about social graces – and indeed how one should behave towards one’s spouse.
While much of it could be summed up as a great reference book to a bygone era, it would be fair to say there are still many lessons which could be appropriate to today.
Take this, for example, written about HRH The Queen: ‘Elizabeth has always been the same; whenever she meets anyone she invariably wants to give them something. I know no better description of good manners than that. They are and should be the outward and visible sign of an inward warmth and generosity.’
And herein lies the essence of a charming character. Likable traits that bear no class or age restrictions are of course, warmth and generosity. No one likes a tight, cold fish.
Which brings us onto another: the first unwritten law of good behaviour, according to Cartland, is ‘you shall possess tact’. She cites the example of a Lady arriving in her horse-drawn carriage to a dinner party, only to be met by the clattering sounds of a servant dropping her best dessert service.
Said Lady registers no acknowledgement of the commotion and when the host apologises on the footman’s behalf, simply says: ‘Please don’t worry, it was very old’.
‘This was tact based on an unselfish desire to spare another person’, says Cartland. ‘Tact is, in fact, always the subordination of oneself to the needs of others. A selfish, unfeeling person is invariably a tactless one.’
Cartland might be an aristocrat, and her book might even give hints on how to do the washing up when it’s the servants’ night off, but perhaps surprisingly, she’s no snob. What she tries to do with the book is teach her reader to reveal their inner, natural charm. She says she has no time for people attempting to be above or below their stations and cites rich MPs (who drink fine wines but try to be seen as men of the people by popping down the pub) as a classic example of that latter type.
‘To thine own self be true,’ says Cartland, because naturalness, unselfconsciousness and a willingness to please gives the common touch and the ability to mix with everyone.
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On appearance
Oscar Wilde said: ‘It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.’ Cartland says: ‘I hate the type of boorish individual who, I am told, has hidden beneath such a rough surface a heart of gold. Quite frankly, I am a busy person and I have no time to dig’.
On Sex
Cartland doesn’t shy away from the issue of sex - but starts with the bedroom rules: ‘Good manners in a marriage means not taking all the bedclothes in a double bed, not reading if the other partner wants to sleep. The man should open the windows before he gets into bed. A wife should see that the clocks are right so there is no rushing in the morning. She should also see that her husband has a clean, aired shirt and fresh socks ready to put on the next day’.
Still, unlike men in Cartland’s day, most husbands might fall off their chairs if their wives got up and cooked their breakfasts before they went to work in the morning (as she suggests). And girls, while you do this, it’s also important to be wearing make-up, a fancy dressing gown, slippers and be sure there are no rollers in the hair, just to be clear.
On housework
Here’s a nice one for the ladies: ‘A misguided idea of the twentieth century is that a considerate husband is a home slave... when wives work, it may be reasonable for husbands to shoulder some of the household chores; but a man who loves his wife will perform them as a gesture of assistance and not carry them out as a duty.’
On marriage
‘A woman wishes to respect her man... She also, if she is feminine, likes a ‘master’. Be kind, be understanding, but be firm’ is the motto every man should take when he marries.
‘Women are seldom merciful to a man who is timid,’ Buler Lytton wrote. ‘And in my experience the happiest marriages are always where the man has the brains, the money and the ambitions,’ says Cartland.
‘Emancipation may have brought women votes, higher education and careers, but it has certainly not brought them the happiness of being a fragile, delicate little woman protected and looked after by a big, strong man,’ she adds.
On appearance
‘Too many [women] forget that it’s easy to catch a husband and hard to keep one. A man pays all his life for the pretty face which has lured him up the aisle. A clever wife will never for one moment let him suspect he has got a bad bargain’.
‘Don’t worry about your looks. Worry instead if people fail to respond to your charm’.
At the office
‘Men forget that a smart head is a guide to character. Long hair looks slovenly or ‘arty-crafty’. Too elaborate a style of hair-dressing is suspicious.
The office where everyone uses Christian names is frequently an inefficient office, even a discontented one’.
The magic formula
'Last, but not least. If you have read this book carefully you will have discovered on almost every page the magic formula for good manners. It also ensures personal success and every possible advancement. It is to say ‘thank you’ and keep on saying it.
'So... Thank you a thousand times for reading this,' says Barbara.
Barbara Cartland’s Etiquette Handbook is published by Random House books, £8.99.
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